I would love to say I am the butterfly; beautiful, needed, wanted and out of touch. I am not. I would love to be egotistical and say I am. There are plenty of people who put me on a pedestal to be, but alas I am the Crow. Intelligent, can speak wonders when coaxed and cast aside. I am the one chasing the beauty.
Soul searching. The ever changing path. I am always looking to know myself, and always finding something new. I admit I married Eric for the wrong reasons. I have never given myself 100 percent to anyone. I find the concept absolutely terrifying. To give yourself means to sacrifice, to allow someone to possible dominate you, and to allow someone to take care of you. I am a very selfish person. I am a control freak. I hate acknowledging my weaknesses.
(DISCLAIMER: There are many wonderful qualities about my ex. I am not trying to insult him or any part of him by my next statements.)
Now, what I am about to say will be egotistical. However, I know my pros and cons. I also know my limits. I made a list (I think my Mom has) of what I needed in a man. I married beneath me. Now by me saying that I am not saying anything about my ex. I married below my standards of what I knew I needed. Yes, he fit a few of the points I made on my list. However, he did not fit the bill.
By marrying beneath me I was playing it safe. I wouldn’t have to worry about conforming to anything. I was set. I thought it would make me the strong one. I wouldn’t be challenged. By going beneath my standards I had to bend. By bending I broke. I can’t explain how someone I didn’t give 100% to could, but he broke me. He pointed out when I left him that he did. It haunts me. He told me he ruined me. He came close to it. I almost lost myself in those two and a half years. I had to bend so much I lost my luster, my wit, my speech. I became an empty shell of everything people had loved about me. I shut down.
It has been almost a year since I left him. I have almost had a year to recover. A year to soul search. Who am I now, and who was I? What will I become? What have I lost? I have found some amazing friends in the last year. I have renewed some old friendships. I am rebuilding. I am fighting every day to come back to life.
I have started building a list. A list of songs people have said reminded them of me. A list of kind things people have said about me. A list of love. It is not meant for my vanity. I feel almost like I have amnesia. I had past letters from friends and lovers I had kept. I got rid of them when I got married. I wish I wouldn’t have. The words, even though the emotions are gone, are still beautiful.
Cannibals eat the people they respect. They consume the person to gain the attributes they want. I am the Crow chasing the Butterfly. When I catch her, I will be beautiful.