I am Nothing

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.   1 Corinthians 13:2

I have faith.  I have faith like a Mofo.  I won't lie to you.  When someone asks, "Well, how do you know?", all I can do is give them a blank look.  Um... How do I not know?  I have more faith in my God than I do in any piece of furniture in my house.  This chair will disintegrate under my weight before God goes away.  I may not like him at times, but more often than not, I really don't like myself.

I always confused "Faith" with being a good Christian.  I have had so many people tell me that I have the strongest faith they had ever seen.  Me?  Really?  You are out of your mind...  But then I realized I do have faith.  To me, 1+1=2.  There is a God.  Yup.  Easy day.  As far as faith making me a good Christian?  No.  Christian means Christ like.  I am soooooo far from that, it disgusts me.  Faith yes.  Christ like?  I need love for that.

Now, when it comes to love?  Psh.  Leave that to the "Carter Girls" as they are so affectionately called.  The have adopted so many beautiful children.  Their homes radiate with a love that I can not fathom.  That's cool.  God made us with different strengths and weaknesses.  I can cheer them on and pray diligently for them, and I do.  But me? Ha.

I do not like people.  I don't.  Put me in a crowded mall or bar, I get aggressive.  I fell claustrophobic and on edge.  Fight or flight.  I see a perfect creation by a perfect God- and then how we have trashed it.  Nope, people suck.  I will fight for a Pit Bull any day.  Very rarely do I care about people.  Most the disease, destruction, and chaos is our fault.  Why. Should. I. Care?

“I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ.” Gandhi

Hey!  He was talking about me!  I suck at this whole love thing.  God is love.  Whitney is flippant.  I am not judgmental of people, but I choose not to waste my time unless someone says or does something that peaks my curiosity.  Us nerds call it the Ninja vs. Samurai mindset.  I side with the Ninja.  Now, when it comes to those that I do love, I am more ferocious than any wild animal.  They are mine and I will go to hell and back to protect them.

Why can't I chose to love people like that?

Orphans are sad.  The hungry are sad.  The poor and lost and desolate are sad.  So am I.  I live.  I breathe.  I feel.  So do they.  Why can't I love, just based on that idea alone?  I did once but the world showed me it was better to look out for myself and my interests.  The starving and dying in some country that I will never see does did not interest me.  

This change of heart... this thing that God is doing, is scaring the crap out of me.

Come on, God, I know I said I wanted to feel you working in my life- but really?  Work with me here.  I meant fix the things I wanted fixed.  Quit making me cry over starving babies!  Oh Lordy, here the tears come...  What if it was Owen or Cammy?  Would some stranger in another country care about them?

Okay God, you get quit with the mind warp.