3 a.m. Hot Chocolate

It has been a minute since I have put anything up here. I guess I should throw an update out there.



Eric got back September 15th. I don’t think the homecoming was anything like either of us was hoping for. In fact, I know it wasn’t. We ended up having a major blow out and I left. We have had MANY since. Originally, Eric wanted Owen and I to go back to Illinois. I knew it would be the smarter- safer option for myself, however, I couldn’t take Owen away from his father. Besides, I knew Eric was speaking out of anger and would later regret his decision, so I started looking for a job.



Eric and I have our good days and bad days. I don’t think either of us understands the way that the other person’s brain works. Eric told me last night (after another blow out- admittedly mostly my fault) that someone told him “You are going to go from hating her, to being head over heals in love. Happy to sad, angry to numb, then back through it all again.” I think one of the hardest things is seeing Eric going from so closed and emotionless to not knowing how to handle the overabundance of emotion.



I started a position with ACCESS Systems on the 28th of September. I was actually hired for this position two years ago by a man names Wyatt Nash (isn’t that a bad ass name), however it fell through when the female I was replacing had a major family crisis. Wyatt was very helpful after that. He tried pulling strings to find me a new position. He also gave me critiques and advise to help improve myself.



When everything fell through with Eric, I called Wyatt to see if he had any new positions available. He actually remembered me (it pays to be tenacious), and put in a good word for me. I interviewed on a Tuesday and had a phone call by Thursday. I started that following Monday.



I am working on the JFCOM base. I love it. There is something so beautiful about the plain walls, the labyrinth of a building I work in, and all the secrets it holds. The military is so alluring to me. The order. The discipline. The structure. There is something sexy about structure to me. I work with a great group of people. I have always been very blessed when it comes to the people I work with. I already found smoke deck buddies, and learning a little more than I probably should. Everyone on this base (for the most part) is quite a bit older than me. This is a big wig base. FULL of Four Stars, it can be a bit intimidating. 



I will admit… I have to use a cipher lock to enter the room I work in, it totally makes me feel like a bad ass.



Owen and I moved into our new place on the 16th, and everything is rolling from there. It is only a one bedroom, but it fits Owen, Roxy, and me beautifully. Nysha came with me when I first got the keys. I hadn’t seen the layout of a one bedroom yet and was prepared for a tiny dark prison. At least it would be all mine. We opened the door, held our breath and BAM!!! Heaven!!! I have a good size entry way with a coat closet. A HUGE living, dining are. HUGE!!! The kitchen is small; however I don’t really cook, nor need a large one. The bedroom is ridiculously large. I have Owens crib and dresser on one half and my queen sized mattress on the other and it still has tons of room. I forgot to mention Roxy’s kennel is in the bedroom also. I have a walk in closet larger than my dining area at my last apartment, and another small closet on Owen’s side of the room. There is also another LARGE closet in the hall and plenty of storage in the bathroom.



I didn’t have any real furniture when I moved in. I have Owen’s furniture, a computer desk, a Japanese nightstand, and a couple of book shelves. I got lucky one morning and found a cream leather sofa someone had just put out on the curb. My friend helped me move it up stairs, and all of a sudden it looks cute up in my little place. 



I hung my art up and pulled my trinkets out. I painted the knobs on my white cabinets red Along with a red shelf, dish drainer, and a red accented rug, my kitchen has a cute retro feel to it. Ms. Ivy gave me some beautiful pictures and goodies for my bathroom. My friend (unknowingly) helped give me an amazing layout for my living room. It is a cute, cozy, welcoming little home.



I had a PS tell me the other day he envied me for just packing my stuff and going. He said he would be terrified to start over with nothing. It isn’t that bad. I can breathe now. I feel stronger. I am confidant that everything will slowly start to take shape. I have what I need, what else could I ask for.



My patio is directly across from one of my best friends. We can stand in our apartments and talk. My other close friend and work are both UNDER four miles from where I live. My shopping and bar are also less than two miles. I am safe, warm, and secure where I am now. I know it will be difficult. I know I am stepping out with a decision that will affect many people. I think in the end it is all for the best. This is the first time in years I have been this happy and this secure in life. This is the first time I have looked at the future with this much hope.



I am happy.

Poo-tee-weet?

I am an avid reader. I love reading. There is so much you can learn from it, for example The Field of Dreams states that heaven is in Iowa. I thought Iowa was just a word they threw in they made a list of the States, I didn’t know it actually existed. I will have to admit, I can’t see how it would be there. Heaven is in Norfolk, at a rundown apartment complex. It only takes up around 800 square feet. The walls and cabinets are all painted a stark white, and the bathroom tile and appliances are still blue from the 60’s. There is only cold water for the washer, and it leaks. And lastly there is a horrible patching job, where a previous resident must have kicked a hole in the wall.


However, whoever steps foot in this heaven doesn’t see those things. They see a bright kitchen, with red knobs on white cabinets. They can smell the lavender soap coming from the never ending laundry, and the happy pictures of family and friends in the hall. No one ever sees the patch work.


When you step into heaven, you see a modest home. Home is the key word. It is warm, and colorful inside heaven. It clean, but not perfect. It is welcoming. There is always a toy scattered somewhere on the floor, and maybe a hidden puddle of drool, and a kiss from a loving dog. If you curl on the love seat, she is more than happy to keep your feet warm.


There is no cable or internet in heaven, and somehow while you are there, you forget those are “necessities” for human life. Instead there are cards, books, board games, and many wonderful conversations. The music in Heaven is the laughter of friends and singing of a nine month old.


For how small heaven might sound, there is actually plenty of room. Mother, child, and furry companion have more than enough room to stretch out, or dance around together.


In the mornings Roxy and I sneak out while Owen sleeps. I lock the door, Roxy relieves herself, and I smoke a morning cigarette. As soon as Roxy and I are done, we race up the stairs, unlock the door, and begin our day. As Roxy eats breakfast while I shower and get ready for work. As soon as I am done with my hair, Owen starts his morning song.


I get Owen ready, and watch him play with Roxy as I pack my lunch. After we put Roxy away we make the small journey to Nysha’s. I kiss him, say good bye, and am off to work for the day. 1600 rolls around and I am on my way home. 


When I walk in the door, Owen rushes over. I love that. I scoop him up, and after a few minutes of chatting, and we are on our way home. After we let Roxy out, I put on some music with a beat, and as I feed Owen we dance together. At six Owen is ready for bed. Roxy lies next to his crib as I sing him a lullaby and say his bed time prayers.


After Owen is asleep I clean up what little mess there is and relax with Roxy. By eight thirty I am brushing my teeth, washing my face, and finishing my routine. Nine o’clock Roxy and I are crawling in bed. She lets me lay down first and curls up against me on my right side. 


I realized while writing this how heaven is where I choose it to be. Honestly, I don’t want to be in Norfolk. I like my job and love my friends, but I miss my family. HOWEVER- I am in heaven here. My best friend lives across from me, and my few other good friends aren’t far. As far as the few things that might be wrong with my apartment, there are so many more amazing things. I am so happy.

My soul knows my meat is doing bad things, and is embarrassed. But my meat just keeps right on doing bad, dumb things.

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.”

So, this was never meant to be a religious blog. Yes, I am a Christian; however I was not intending to be preaching in any of these. I didn’t realize that by mentioning my personal struggles that it would make people think about Him (God)… I just figured it would help people reflect on their own life. I forgot I am not the only one who has issues with Him. SO- Let’s talk about God. He seems like a cool enough guy to write about.

I spoke to an old friend a while ago. We went to a Christian school together. I think all the kids from our graduation class have dumped our “Christian Education” down the drain. Some of us are coming back; some of us want nothing to do with it. I wasn’t intending to write about all this originally but it is gnawing at me so here it goes!

“They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.”

I will admit when I want God around I can’t find him. On the same point, I usually want Him around when I am FUBARing everything. When it is going well you don’t think so much about it. I actually do talk to Him more when things are going well. Mom did a good job teaching me manors, I usually remember to say thank you. It is usually when I am sinning that I want Him around but feel too guilty to ask for help. I had a friend tell me once that he has wanted to pray for a long time, but didn’t want God to think he was too selfish.

“God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.”

When I think of God, I think of a guy I would go to Greenies (my bar) with. I think He is the kind of guy you could find some booth, sit down, light a cigarette, and talk about how much you hate your job, the area, kids, relationships, or even sex. I bet God would be awesome to talk about sex with. I just can’t see Him as some stand offish being, that is just watching us fail. I think He would like to be invited to the bar, watch a game, talk about music, play cards. I think God would be a great guy to hang around.

My mom will choke when she reads this, but I think He was be a little like Kurt Vonnegut: funny if you get his sense of humor, maybe a touch of cynicism, but still holding on to hopefulness. How could he not be a cynic? Look at what the human race has done! I’m not bashing on Him at all. I just want everyone to know they are lucky he is God and not me. The human race would not have made it this far.

“If there's one thing I know it's God does love a good joke.”

Can anyone say free will? The thing is He gave it to us so we could have the choice to love Him or not. Most choose not. God is like the rich kid without any real friends. People want Him around and will be nice when they want something from Him. As soon as He gives it to us we dip out.

ANYWAYS! Have you ever thought about the fact that people make choices and those are the things that make your life so bad? Even when people get sick for no reason! Someone chose to do the one thing God said not to, and brought all the sickness and junk on us. So really had God done anything to harm us? Just free will I guess… All the horrible things in life that make people hate God so much are actually the choices we make or that others affect us with.

I don’t think free will is such a bad idea, until I realize that other people have it also.

“What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?”

What do we even want to believe? How is it that we cling to the hope that Elvis, and Tupac- people we would never have the chance to really have a relationship with- but a God who wants nothing more than a friendship is the most outlandish idea?

“I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.”

I can. Think about it… When you love someone you want to be with them, talk about them, think about them, and anything else that involves them. Isn’t that worshiping? It is the same with books, movies, games, hobbies, and everything else. God doesn’t want you to be holding him at arm’s length… He wants you to want you there with him. If I was God I would hate organized religion for screwing everything up for him. Organized religion is like a gossip magazine with God on the cover. They never tell the whole story or anything flattering. It is giving Him a bad rap.

“You can't be angry with God and not believe in him at the same time.”

I am glad I’m not God. He is the ultimate scapegoat. I have never understood how people can say they don’t believe in God, but have no issue putting the blame on Him when something goes wrong. Yes, a relationship with God is a love hate one. All love on His side, and hate on ours. I did notice when I actually tried to live life the way I should, that it rocked. But, like I have said before, we have a tendency to get cocky when things go well. I do. I come to the conclusion that I must have done something right and that I can do it all on my own. Silly humans. Poor God.

“Without music, life would be a mistake.... I would only believe in a God who knew how to dance.”

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

So it is Sunday. Usually they have the sermons on TV. There weren’t any this morning. God told me he would be happy to see me today. I told him I wasn’t ready.

I love my church. The people are amazing. I feel at home. HOWEVER, I don’t need anyone seeing in my soul today, or God whispering in someone’s ear that I’m hurting and need prayer. Funny how he can forgive you so lovingly but it is so much harder for you to forgive yourself. Sometimes you would rather feel dirty and in pain, than to have him take it away. Is that guilt? Sorry God… I’m just not ready to face your love when I hate myself so much.

“There are more tears shed over answered prayers than over unanswered prayers.”

Am I alone thinking that is one of the most profound statements? God and I got very close while I was in Corpus. He made me a promise. Me, being the wonderfully impatient person that I am, decided I was going to rush that promise. I guess you never realize how many people you hurt out of your own selfishness (or even how long it might take to catch up to you). It is funny how God can give you a glimpse at something beautiful, so you take it upon yourself to make it happen… when really all God was saying is “I’m getting this ready for you”. It isn’t our job to rush life… I need to work on that…

I’m going to tell the story of my favorite Tattoo… Most people don’t know this tattoo exists and fewer have seen it- let alone know what it means… There is a book series a boyfriend of mine had me read. I loved it. It is about a place called Nightside. The main character is named John. He is a detective and has a job to find how Nightside started- so he goes to find help. He looks up a man called Sinner. Sinner was actually as close to perfect as could be- but he had never been in love. So he sells his soul to the Devil to know what true love is. He meets a woman; they fall in love, and have an amazing life together. Seven years later the Devil comes back telling him the woman was actually a succubus and that she never loved him. So Sinner is taken to hell- but he still loved her… so because “there cannot be love in hell” (I don’t actually know if there can be or not) Sinner is kicked out. He can’t go to heaven because he sold his soul, so he goes to Nightside. The Succubus (Pretty Poison) is baffled that after Sinner would still love her after finding out the truth, so she goes to Nightside to find out why.

Now through the whole book Sinner is trying to teach Pretty Poison what love is and how to be good. She tries valiantly through the whole book and fails miserably. At the end, however, she makes the ultimate sacrifice for him. God comes down and gives them both a lecture. He tells Sinner he had a plan for him and if he would have just waited everything would have been fine. God also tells him that because that was his only waver in faith and because even after everything he still kept it, he was welcome to come to heaven. Then he starts in on Pretty Poison. He tells her he is disappointed that not only did she give up heaven to be a demon she also gave up herself as a succubus. She went from an angel to the lowest of the low… However she finally found out what God’s love was, so she was welcomed to be an Angel again.

I always connected with Pretty Poison. When people saw her in the book- they saw her as their dream girl, never for what she was. I never thought I might be more like Sinner, too impatient to get the real thing. I don’t know if that story touches anyone like it did me… To me that is a beautiful story of falling and being redeemed again…

I got my tattoo when I thought I had learned my lesson and was going to quit being stupid… I guess I rushed that also…

“I have a right to my anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be, that it's not nice to be, and that something's wrong with me because I get angry.”

My faults and my sins are my own. I chose them, no one else did. I am still angry about it. I have damaged some precious relationships this past week. I hurt people I cared very much about. I acted out of what I thought the best thing was… I know I did the right thing, but sometimes the right thing sucks. Now it feels like there is just a big hole… My heart hurts… but it isn’t breaking. I wish it would just shatter already so I could be enveloped in the pain and then move on. This whole process of heart ache is taking too long… but there goes me being impatient again.

“A weak man has doubts before a decision; a strong man has them afterward.”

And So It Goes...

Here it is.

Today is Saturday. I got up, fed and changed Owen, and got my three babies ready for our mile and a half walk. My TV is always on USA. I can count on one hand how many times the channel has been changed since Eric left. Sunday mornings they usually have a pastor on TV while I get ready for church. None of them have ever made me think. This morning for some reason there was one on. I was walking through the living room and it felt like God said “Here it is”. I have had a lot happen this week. I have been thinking a lot about my decisions in life. I don’t regret one thing. I’m not ashamed of anything however some things still hurt. This is what God said through some funny little man on the TV:

Everyone knows God is amazing at forgiving if you ask him to. We are blessed to have such an amazing God that will love us no matter what. There is another side to sin we neglect to look at. Sin is like a wound. Wounds heal (like Gods Love), but they still leave scars. The injury is gone, but the scar is left there, and sometimes the scar tissue hurts.

I think that God put that on TV just for me. I have been dealing with a lot of issues this week. I guess picking at a lot of scar tissue. People who know me, know I can be a *bit* self destructive. When I feel out of control I want to destroy something to gain control again. I know it isn’t the best thing to do. I try not to- but habits are hard to break. I have been thinking a lot about Love this week…

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down the walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

I like some points in this quote (Thanks Katie), however I don’t totally 100% agree with it. Sometimes looking back it is hard to know if someone was your soul mate or just something you really wanted. I have met two men in my life that if the roads would have taken a different direction, I believe they could have been my soul mate. As far as the quote above is concerned I have met many soul mates. Many I have never had an intimate relationship with. They have all somehow left just as deep of an impression.

“Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.” ~Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

The simplest quote with so much power. In High School I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted, and what I believed. Most teens have issues with that. It’s funny that once I got out I lost my grasp on that. I had many things happen that made me doubt myself. I’m good at pretending now. I look back though and realize that I don’t like what I pretend to be.

I was sitting out on my deck one night with a friend talking. They were teasing me about being hard on the outside but really they knew I was a big softy. I was thinking about that. I am. I told them I use to be happy- and loving- and sensitive- and an all around good person. I am still quick to laugh. I do love with all my heart. I am loyal to the ones in my life… but I feel broken. I am not that innocent sweet girl I was before.

I have made many choices. Some have gone well. Most haven’t. I don’t like who I was pretending to be, but I like who I am underneath. I had another friend tell me: “I have done a lot of stupid stuff in my life. I have been pretty stupid at some times. However, I lived life the way I felt I should. I am happy. I am at peace. I love the person I see in the mirror.”

Today I am going to be happy.

“Still and all, why bother? Here's my answer. Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.”