So it is Sunday. Usually they have the sermons on TV. There weren’t any this morning. God told me he would be happy to see me today. I told him I wasn’t ready.
I love my church. The people are amazing. I feel at home. HOWEVER, I don’t need anyone seeing in my soul today, or God whispering in someone’s ear that I’m hurting and need prayer. Funny how he can forgive you so lovingly but it is so much harder for you to forgive yourself. Sometimes you would rather feel dirty and in pain, than to have him take it away. Is that guilt? Sorry God… I’m just not ready to face your love when I hate myself so much.
“There are more tears shed over answered prayers than over unanswered prayers.”
Am I alone thinking that is one of the most profound statements? God and I got very close while I was in Corpus. He made me a promise. Me, being the wonderfully impatient person that I am, decided I was going to rush that promise. I guess you never realize how many people you hurt out of your own selfishness (or even how long it might take to catch up to you). It is funny how God can give you a glimpse at something beautiful, so you take it upon yourself to make it happen… when really all God was saying is “I’m getting this ready for you”. It isn’t our job to rush life… I need to work on that…
I’m going to tell the story of my favorite Tattoo… Most people don’t know this tattoo exists and fewer have seen it- let alone know what it means… There is a book series a boyfriend of mine had me read. I loved it. It is about a place called Nightside. The main character is named John. He is a detective and has a job to find how Nightside started- so he goes to find help. He looks up a man called Sinner. Sinner was actually as close to perfect as could be- but he had never been in love. So he sells his soul to the Devil to know what true love is. He meets a woman; they fall in love, and have an amazing life together. Seven years later the Devil comes back telling him the woman was actually a succubus and that she never loved him. So Sinner is taken to hell- but he still loved her… so because “there cannot be love in hell” (I don’t actually know if there can be or not) Sinner is kicked out. He can’t go to heaven because he sold his soul, so he goes to Nightside. The Succubus (Pretty Poison) is baffled that after Sinner would still love her after finding out the truth, so she goes to Nightside to find out why.
Now through the whole book Sinner is trying to teach Pretty Poison what love is and how to be good. She tries valiantly through the whole book and fails miserably. At the end, however, she makes the ultimate sacrifice for him. God comes down and gives them both a lecture. He tells Sinner he had a plan for him and if he would have just waited everything would have been fine. God also tells him that because that was his only waver in faith and because even after everything he still kept it, he was welcome to come to heaven. Then he starts in on Pretty Poison. He tells her he is disappointed that not only did she give up heaven to be a demon she also gave up herself as a succubus. She went from an angel to the lowest of the low… However she finally found out what God’s love was, so she was welcomed to be an Angel again.
I always connected with Pretty Poison. When people saw her in the book- they saw her as their dream girl, never for what she was. I never thought I might be more like Sinner, too impatient to get the real thing. I don’t know if that story touches anyone like it did me… To me that is a beautiful story of falling and being redeemed again…
I got my tattoo when I thought I had learned my lesson and was going to quit being stupid… I guess I rushed that also…
“I have a right to my anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be, that it's not nice to be, and that something's wrong with me because I get angry.”
My faults and my sins are my own. I chose them, no one else did. I am still angry about it. I have damaged some precious relationships this past week. I hurt people I cared very much about. I acted out of what I thought the best thing was… I know I did the right thing, but sometimes the right thing sucks. Now it feels like there is just a big hole… My heart hurts… but it isn’t breaking. I wish it would just shatter already so I could be enveloped in the pain and then move on. This whole process of heart ache is taking too long… but there goes me being impatient again.
“A weak man has doubts before a decision; a strong man has them afterward.”