Maybe I'm the one I'm the one who will fall Lay me down
On a bed of stone
I will wait for you
As I rest my soul
I will watch you ride
When you reply to the call
I wanna be a hero, hero
It has been almost two months. My baby would be walking by now. He may even been cooing Mama. Two months since my world crumbled. I pulled Cammy into bed with me last night, just to feel a little body next to me, but she has out grown the babyish flesh and at some point started coming into a child's body. She has left toddler hood behind and Owen... Owen has become a boy. There is nothing baby about them anymore.
I still reach out, at night, to wrap my arm around him. To rub his soft belly and breathe in his scent. To feel his fingers wrap around mine as she sighs contently. There is only an empty bed, cold sheets, and his scent long forgotten on his belongings.
My Titan was my affirmation in life. He is the first one who I could nurse. The first one who looked like me. A child that actually could be acknowledged as mine. Owen and Cammy both look like their Dad, Logan was mine. Each of my children have fulfilled me in inexplicable ways. They have taught me and blessed me so much, but Logan was my heart song. He was my reward after years of struggle.
Our life was perfect. We have a beautiful home, Lucky had his dream job, Owen's Dad and I were getting along, and we finally had the last piece to the puzzle. I was untouchable. Our life was as close to perfection as one might dare dream. Finally. Finally, damn it, I could breath easy.
My love. My heart song. My reward. My end.
It is so hard to breathe. It is so hard to know my heart is still beating. I feel guilty when I see Owen and Cammy. Guilty that I failed them. Guilty that they had to learn of death so soon. Guilty when I see Lucky. Logan was the only namesake to the McConnell's. I gave him a son who could not stay. I feel guilty when I look in the mirror. I feel guilty that people can't see my pain. That everyone assumes I have moved on. Guilty that in a way I have.
My only solace is I know I will see him again. I know he will know me and love me. I know he is waiting joyfully, seeing the plans that God has for us. I know all these things and take joy and comfort, and some days that is enough...
But on the days that I see flashing lights in my rear view mirror, I flash back to that day. When I go to the salon, I wait for the call. When I leave my house without Owen and Cammy, and whoever is with them calls me...