3 a.m. Hot Chocolate

It has been a minute since I have put anything up here. I guess I should throw an update out there.

Eric got back September 15th. I don’t think the homecoming was anything like either of us was hoping for. In fact, I know it wasn’t. We ended up having a major blow out and I left. We have had MANY since. Originally, Eric wanted Owen and I to go back to Illinois. I knew it would be the smarter- safer option for myself, however, I couldn’t take Owen away from his father. Besides, I knew Eric was speaking out of anger and would later regret his decision, so I started looking for a job.

Eric and I have our good days and bad days. I don’t think either of us understands the way that the other person’s brain works. Eric told me last night (after another blow out- admittedly mostly my fault) that someone told him “You are going to go from hating her, to being head over heals in love. Happy to sad, angry to numb, then back through it all again.” I think one of the hardest things is seeing Eric going from so closed and emotionless to not knowing how to handle the overabundance of emotion.

I started a position with ACCESS Systems on the 28th of September. I was actually hired for this position two years ago by a man names Wyatt Nash (isn’t that a bad ass name), however it fell through when the female I was replacing had a major family crisis. Wyatt was very helpful after that. He tried pulling strings to find me a new position. He also gave me critiques and advise to help improve myself.

When everything fell through with Eric, I called Wyatt to see if he had any new positions available. He actually remembered me (it pays to be tenacious), and put in a good word for me. I interviewed on a Tuesday and had a phone call by Thursday. I started that following Monday.

I am working on the JFCOM base. I love it. There is something so beautiful about the plain walls, the labyrinth of a building I work in, and all the secrets it holds. The military is so alluring to me. The order. The discipline. The structure. There is something sexy about structure to me. I work with a great group of people. I have always been very blessed when it comes to the people I work with. I already found smoke deck buddies, and learning a little more than I probably should. Everyone on this base (for the most part) is quite a bit older than me. This is a big wig base. FULL of Four Stars, it can be a bit intimidating. 

I will admit… I have to use a cipher lock to enter the room I work in, it totally makes me feel like a bad ass.

Owen and I moved into our new place on the 16th, and everything is rolling from there. It is only a one bedroom, but it fits Owen, Roxy, and me beautifully. Nysha came with me when I first got the keys. I hadn’t seen the layout of a one bedroom yet and was prepared for a tiny dark prison. At least it would be all mine. We opened the door, held our breath and BAM!!! Heaven!!! I have a good size entry way with a coat closet. A HUGE living, dining are. HUGE!!! The kitchen is small; however I don’t really cook, nor need a large one. The bedroom is ridiculously large. I have Owens crib and dresser on one half and my queen sized mattress on the other and it still has tons of room. I forgot to mention Roxy’s kennel is in the bedroom also. I have a walk in closet larger than my dining area at my last apartment, and another small closet on Owen’s side of the room. There is also another LARGE closet in the hall and plenty of storage in the bathroom.

I didn’t have any real furniture when I moved in. I have Owen’s furniture, a computer desk, a Japanese nightstand, and a couple of book shelves. I got lucky one morning and found a cream leather sofa someone had just put out on the curb. My friend helped me move it up stairs, and all of a sudden it looks cute up in my little place. 

I hung my art up and pulled my trinkets out. I painted the knobs on my white cabinets red Along with a red shelf, dish drainer, and a red accented rug, my kitchen has a cute retro feel to it. Ms. Ivy gave me some beautiful pictures and goodies for my bathroom. My friend (unknowingly) helped give me an amazing layout for my living room. It is a cute, cozy, welcoming little home.

I had a PS tell me the other day he envied me for just packing my stuff and going. He said he would be terrified to start over with nothing. It isn’t that bad. I can breathe now. I feel stronger. I am confidant that everything will slowly start to take shape. I have what I need, what else could I ask for.

My patio is directly across from one of my best friends. We can stand in our apartments and talk. My other close friend and work are both UNDER four miles from where I live. My shopping and bar are also less than two miles. I am safe, warm, and secure where I am now. I know it will be difficult. I know I am stepping out with a decision that will affect many people. I think in the end it is all for the best. This is the first time in years I have been this happy and this secure in life. This is the first time I have looked at the future with this much hope.

I am happy.


I am an avid reader. I love reading. There is so much you can learn from it, for example The Field of Dreams states that heaven is in Iowa. I thought Iowa was just a word they threw in they made a list of the States, I didn’t know it actually existed. I will have to admit, I can’t see how it would be there. Heaven is in Norfolk, at a rundown apartment complex. It only takes up around 800 square feet. The walls and cabinets are all painted a stark white, and the bathroom tile and appliances are still blue from the 60’s. There is only cold water for the washer, and it leaks. And lastly there is a horrible patching job, where a previous resident must have kicked a hole in the wall.

However, whoever steps foot in this heaven doesn’t see those things. They see a bright kitchen, with red knobs on white cabinets. They can smell the lavender soap coming from the never ending laundry, and the happy pictures of family and friends in the hall. No one ever sees the patch work.

When you step into heaven, you see a modest home. Home is the key word. It is warm, and colorful inside heaven. It clean, but not perfect. It is welcoming. There is always a toy scattered somewhere on the floor, and maybe a hidden puddle of drool, and a kiss from a loving dog. If you curl on the love seat, she is more than happy to keep your feet warm.

There is no cable or internet in heaven, and somehow while you are there, you forget those are “necessities” for human life. Instead there are cards, books, board games, and many wonderful conversations. The music in Heaven is the laughter of friends and singing of a nine month old.

For how small heaven might sound, there is actually plenty of room. Mother, child, and furry companion have more than enough room to stretch out, or dance around together.

In the mornings Roxy and I sneak out while Owen sleeps. I lock the door, Roxy relieves herself, and I smoke a morning cigarette. As soon as Roxy and I are done, we race up the stairs, unlock the door, and begin our day. As Roxy eats breakfast while I shower and get ready for work. As soon as I am done with my hair, Owen starts his morning song.

I get Owen ready, and watch him play with Roxy as I pack my lunch. After we put Roxy away we make the small journey to Nysha’s. I kiss him, say good bye, and am off to work for the day. 1600 rolls around and I am on my way home. 

When I walk in the door, Owen rushes over. I love that. I scoop him up, and after a few minutes of chatting, and we are on our way home. After we let Roxy out, I put on some music with a beat, and as I feed Owen we dance together. At six Owen is ready for bed. Roxy lies next to his crib as I sing him a lullaby and say his bed time prayers.

After Owen is asleep I clean up what little mess there is and relax with Roxy. By eight thirty I am brushing my teeth, washing my face, and finishing my routine. Nine o’clock Roxy and I are crawling in bed. She lets me lay down first and curls up against me on my right side. 

I realized while writing this how heaven is where I choose it to be. Honestly, I don’t want to be in Norfolk. I like my job and love my friends, but I miss my family. HOWEVER- I am in heaven here. My best friend lives across from me, and my few other good friends aren’t far. As far as the few things that might be wrong with my apartment, there are so many more amazing things. I am so happy.