Here it is.
Today is Saturday. I got up, fed and changed Owen, and got my three babies ready for our mile and a half walk. My TV is always on USA. I can count on one hand how many times the channel has been changed since Eric left. Sunday mornings they usually have a pastor on TV while I get ready for church. None of them have ever made me think. This morning for some reason there was one on. I was walking through the living room and it felt like God said “Here it is”. I have had a lot happen this week. I have been thinking a lot about my decisions in life. I don’t regret one thing. I’m not ashamed of anything however some things still hurt. This is what God said through some funny little man on the TV:
Everyone knows God is amazing at forgiving if you ask him to. We are blessed to have such an amazing God that will love us no matter what. There is another side to sin we neglect to look at. Sin is like a wound. Wounds heal (like Gods Love), but they still leave scars. The injury is gone, but the scar is left there, and sometimes the scar tissue hurts.
I think that God put that on TV just for me. I have been dealing with a lot of issues this week. I guess picking at a lot of scar tissue. People who know me, know I can be a *bit* self destructive. When I feel out of control I want to destroy something to gain control again. I know it isn’t the best thing to do. I try not to- but habits are hard to break. I have been thinking a lot about Love this week…
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down the walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert
I like some points in this quote (Thanks Katie), however I don’t totally 100% agree with it. Sometimes looking back it is hard to know if someone was your soul mate or just something you really wanted. I have met two men in my life that if the roads would have taken a different direction, I believe they could have been my soul mate. As far as the quote above is concerned I have met many soul mates. Many I have never had an intimate relationship with. They have all somehow left just as deep of an impression.
“Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.” ~Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
The simplest quote with so much power. In High School I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted, and what I believed. Most teens have issues with that. It’s funny that once I got out I lost my grasp on that. I had many things happen that made me doubt myself. I’m good at pretending now. I look back though and realize that I don’t like what I pretend to be.
I was sitting out on my deck one night with a friend talking. They were teasing me about being hard on the outside but really they knew I was a big softy. I was thinking about that. I am. I told them I use to be happy- and loving- and sensitive- and an all around good person. I am still quick to laugh. I do love with all my heart. I am loyal to the ones in my life… but I feel broken. I am not that innocent sweet girl I was before.
I have made many choices. Some have gone well. Most haven’t. I don’t like who I was pretending to be, but I like who I am underneath. I had another friend tell me: “I have done a lot of stupid stuff in my life. I have been pretty stupid at some times. However, I lived life the way I felt I should. I am happy. I am at peace. I love the person I see in the mirror.”
Today I am going to be happy.
“Still and all, why bother? Here's my answer. Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.”