2011 is coming to an end.

I haven't updated this blog in quite some time.  I feel almost guilty posting again because I know I won’t be writing anything that will still be a profound lesson to myself later on.  There are so many topics I want to touch on.  So many things I want to write to reread and remind myself... but for now I will write about this year.

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
Robert Frost

This has been a year of blessings and breaking.  So many beautiful things happened.  I know the first two things will sound rushed for whoever doesn't know the background story but here I go:  After almost three years, I was finally granted a divorce.  I married the most amazing man I know, then he was taken away from us.  Lucky started working at a new command. Owen and I led a gypsy life till *again* the courts decided our fate.  Owen and I were granted freedom as long as I left him with Eric for seven weeks.  Owen, Lucky and I are still dealing with the wounds that opened.  We set up our first home as husband and wife in Fallon, NV.  Our beautiful Camryn was born.  Every day with her has been a blessing.  We got Owen back and are now trying to build the trust (that we won't abandon him) back with him. And finally, we added a puppy named Finn to our family.  There are probably more things in between all that but those are the big ones.

Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress.
Bruce Barton

Lucky and I have both personally had to deal with a lot this year mentally and emotionally.  His personal issues are his and not for me to talk about.  However, I have no shame and find writing therapeutic.  I struggled with postpartum depression for a while after Cammy was born.  It is something that really affected my family.  I tried medicine.  I tried talk therapy.  Nothing seemed to help.  A week with Lucky’s Grandma in Hawthorne snapped me out of it.

Lucky’s new command has also affected our family.  It is a different way of life out here.  The hours are longer than sea duty and there is no “community” within the military families that I have found.  It has been a lonely life the last few months.  Lucky and I have both slipped and this past weekend we have made a plan to bring ourselves back up and to the happy family we use to be.

The hardest adjustment, I think, has been with Owen.  While we were in Virginia he went through a panic when Lucky has to leave for Nevada before us.  I had to reassure him that we would see him again and Mommy wasn’t going anywhere.  Every night he cried for his “Pops” and Roxy.  It was a hard time for all of us.

When the court decided that we had custody of Owen and that we could leave, I was amazed but devastated.  For months I had promised Owen Mommy would never leave him and then the courts told me to leave him with Eric for seven weeks.  SEVEN!  That is a lifetime for a two year old. 

When we got him back he was a different child.  It has been devastating.  He would flinch if we walked toward him when he was in trouble.  He would have screaming fits.  He can’t sleep.  He had panic attacks when Lucky or I would leave the house- even to go on the deck and smoke.

Now, we have almost gotten him back to the happy child he was.  Now, he has to go back to Eric’s.  The other night he was talking with his father on Skype.  He said something about Owen staying with him again and Owen had a meltdown.  He screamed, cried, and begged for me not to send him.  He promised to be a good boy.  It was heart breaking.  It wasn’t until his father said something about “grandpas four wheeler” that Owen calmed down.  Later that night he asked Lucky to be his Daddy so he could stay with us, Cammy, Roxy and Finn.  How do you answer that question?

How do you handle that situation?

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.
Anatole France

2011 has been a year to remember.  2012 will be better.  Lucky and I are journaling and setting goals for our family.  We are planning on going to marital counseling and family counseling to try and help with all the major life changes.  We are going to have Owen evaluated and hopefully the visitation changed.  We plan on finding a church and going as a family.  We plan on starting school and bettering ourselves as best we can.

2012 will be a blessed year for our family.

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