“It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”
I don't remember him. I desperately search for songs about death so maybe... just maybe there will be emotions brought out. Emotions that I should have embraced when they were fresh. Emotions I should have acknowledged. I didn't get to hold my baby and I didn't get to cry.
I don't miss him. How can you miss a dream? Some sick trick has taken over my mind. He wasn't real. I can't remember his scent, his laugh, his touch... But I feel like the ghost. My two little ones desperately search me out, but babies, Mommy died months ago... without a scream, a tear, a fight.
My skin feels like an over sized costume. It hangs off of me. A gaunt, ghostly face is in the mirror. She is vile and made up of everything I deplore. She is weak and terrified. She is so filled with anger and seething with desperation. She is a monster. I want to claw the reflection away. She scares me. I scare me.
When did I become this ghost? We're these things always apart of me? I have become so careless and destructive. How could the loss of a baby make me so sick? I feel like his death was the death of everything good in me. I feel like I am trapped in time. I can't make sense of anything anymore.
Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?
Save me, O God,