And Then There Were Two

"I want a baby brother.", Owen demanded of us.  It was hard to explain that we couldn't pick to an almost four year old.  "We are going to name him Wolverine-"  "We can't name him Wolverine."  "Fine, we will call him Logan, but his name will secretly be Wolverine.  I am going to teach him how to play, and build legos, and be a super hero, and we are going to be best friends.  I love him already."
I woke up Sunday in a panic.  Why wasn't Logan crying.  Oh, God, please don't let him be- dead.  He is dead. My body ached in ways I didn't know it could.  My breasts started aching like it was time to nurse, but there was no milk, and no longer a baby.  My emotional numbness was being physically over compensated.  My body had the familiar ache of just giving birth.  Even physically, I wanted him.  I got up and was again blessed to have our closest friends here.  Easter Sunday... Jesus came back... Logan won't.  

Cammy was a mess.  She knew something was going on, but didn't understand what.  Owen was in Maryland with his dad, clueless that our world had just crumbled.  I asked Megan to take Cammy down to Hawthorne with her.  I just couldn't care enough to be of any use to anyone.  It wasn't fair to her to have an absent Mom.  For the first time, Cammy begged not to go with her Aunt Maymay.  She wanted to be with me but I sent her away anyways.  I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't be a Mom.

The jelly was cold and slimy.  I hated ultrasounds, but I couldn't wait for Lucky to see we were having a boy.  I told him the night before that God gives us the desire of our hearts, and I knew that I was giving him a son.  The tech asked if we wanted to know the gender, and I shot Lucky a knowing look as I said yes... And then there was Logan.  He was perfect and beautiful on the screen.  "It's a boy.", she said happily.  Lucky glared at her.  "You don't believe me?  Here are the testes and here is the penis.  It. Is. A. Boy.", she laughed at Lucky.  He didn't look convinced, but he did look hopeful.

Bart, Ian, Lucky and I sat quietly.  What do you say when a light goes out?  What do you do when there is no way to turn it back on?  Justin messaged Bart (Trying to be respectful of Lucky and me) saying that he couldn't just sit there any more.  He had to come down and be with his brother and his family.  Those are the kind of people God has given us.  We don't have friends, we don't have blood, we have a bond that far exceeds anything I have known before.  We are blessed.

Justin and Kari showed up with forty cheeseburgers and two cases of soda.  Ian had to work the next day... No rest for the broken, so Bart was going to take him home, pack a bag, and come back.  Ian would have stopped the world to do the same, but time stops for no one.  After the guys left, Justin and Kari sat with us watching Youtube.  We laughed and marveled at how freakishly creepy some animals could be, but we laughed.  A Sunday spent in silence.

Lucky was laughing at me as I lay on my side, straddling a giant peanut shaped ball.  They were having me rock against it to try and switch Logan's position.  Every contraction was like a high for me.  Every one meant the little guy I had prayed for was about to make his debut.  I knew my Tiny Titan was going to change the world.  Lucky asked if I thought he had time to go smoke before Logan came.  I told him to go for it.  No sooner had Lucky made it out side, Logan decided it was time.  Lucky rushed back up, and in just a couple quick minutes, he was here.  It was such a humbling and intimate experience.  He was perfect and peaceful.  Lucky climbed into the bed with me and we spent the rest of the day and night, holding each other, and Logan, and marveling at how there was something different- special about him.  Yes, my Tiny Titan would change the world.

I Skyped home.  My family was having an Easter dinner, and damn it, I wanted to be there. I wanted my Uncle Alec to pick me up and hug me while teasing me about how tiny I am, I wanted to hear the way Uncle Jeremy says "Heya, Whit." , the peace that comes with sitting next to my Uncle Jim, and the gruff but loving hug that only Uncle John can give. Lucky and I sat side by side and talked to all my family as they crowded in my Aunt's dining room.  I caught a glimpse of us on the screen.  My eyes were glowing and we looked so young, so small, and so helpless.  I hate being helpless.  But we also looked united.  Lucky and I, no matter how young, how hurt, or how small, were put together by God.  We can take on the world... I just wish we didn't have to.

After Skype was done, we just laid in the middle of the living room.  I snuggled up to him, and we stared at the ceiling.  What do you say?  We lost the same child, but our hurt is so very different.  So we held each other in silence and waited for the day to end.  I mumbled something about being homesick, and Lucky told my parents that I needed to be with them, so Dad set up Skype and sat me in the corner of the room so I could watch.  It was comforting to pretend I was sitting with my Mom and Aunt Andi again.  They are my heroes and their strength was comforting.

"Why isn't Logan in my room?"  "Because Mommy has him in our room tonight.  He is a little congested."  "But he is my little brother.  It is my job to protect him."  "No, baby, it isn't.  Your job is to be the best big brother you can be, and you are.  He knows how much you love him." "But I have to protect him."

Bart made it back.  The guys wanted a couple drinks...  I wanted a couple bottles of tequila to drown myself in... so I opted out.  Bart, being the care taker that he is, went to the store for us.  I didn't want to leave.  Hell, I didn't want to be breathing either, but at least we didn't have to go to the store. Right after he left, Austin showed up.  We opened the door, and there was Austin, all 6'6'' of him.  His arms were covered with bags of food, and he let out a sound of grief and scooped Lucky and I into what could be called a hug.  See?  More than friends.  A lumberjack of a man, humbled himself to show his grief to be shared with us.

Everyone we had there the first forty eight hours, EVERYONE of them, God bless them.  God bless Ian for the hugs he gave me in the first hours.  Making me realize that I did need human contact.  Oddly enough, Lucky and Ian were the only ones I felt OK with touching.  For Bart, despite his pain, nurturing us, holding our hand and taking care of every need and want before we could think of it.  For Rachel and her husband making us one of the best dinners I can remember, and Rachel sitting us down and forcing us to eat.  She knew we wouldn't have otherwise.  Bless her.  For Sean, despite school and long work hours, dropping everything just to sit that first night.  Sometimes silence is better than words. Bless that man. God bless Megan and Theora, for their love and comfort given to Cammy, when I was too weak and broken to.  God bless Justin and Kari, despite all their new life changes, showing us and putting up with hours of nonsensical videos.  For laughing with us.  And Austin, bless him for his beautiful heart, for grieving with us and talking into the night.

“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been.”

-Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

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