Screwtape's Whispers

Owen is snoring in the bed.  I am on the floor.  The lights are off and the hotel is silent.  We were about to fly home to Nevada in just a few hours.

"You didn't even try.  You have faith more than anyone, and you didn't even try."

This voice keeps invading my mind.  Poison is filling my mind and heart.  My eyes are burning.  I can't break down.  I am so far from home.  I need Lucky.  I need Bart, and my Mom and Dad, and Angela...

"God always listens to your prayers.  If you would have just asked, he would have brought your son back.  Everyone would have seen a miracle.  Logan could have been a living testimony to your God, and you didn't even try.  You failed him.  You failed your husband.  You failed your friends.  You failed your family."

I'm chocking back tears.  My mind is racing, replaying my baby on the floor, the first responders, the police officer...  I didn't pray.  I didn't even try.  I didn't even try...  My lip is starting to bleed from me biting it.  I was trying so hard not to wake up Owen.  If I would have just prayed...

"God made you tenacious.  You never give up, but you gave up with this.  You didn't even try.  You husband doesn't have a namesake because you didn't try.  Your God didn't abandon you, you abandoned him."

I failed them.  I failed Logan.  I could be holding my sweet baby tomorrow...  How can I ever look at Lucky again?  How could he ever look at me?

I was spiraling further down into lies.  All these thoughts and accusations were digging deep, embedding into my innermost heart.  I failed.  My baby.  My sweet, sweet Logan.  I failed.

In that moment I was done.  I gave up.  Every little thing I did wrong came flying back in my face.  Maybe if I would have nursed longer?  Maybe if I would have used a different formula?  What about the cloth diapers... was he allergic to disposable like Cammy?  I killed him.  Every day, every mistake, I was killing him and I didn't even try to bring him back.  Jesus...

Be Still

Then there was silence.  But God, I didn't pray!

Be Still

nger?  Ma

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