“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.”

I want to be sexy.  I want to be curvy and all that is woman.  I want Lucky's friends and co-workers to think he did a good job.  I want to be beautiful.

I did not wear my first spaghetti strap without anything over it until I joined the navy.  Too much skin, and having larger breasts like I did back then, made it hard to wear cute clothes without being obscene.  I still am uncomfortable in a bikini.  Not from the baby body... but anyone can see the crease where my butt meets my thigh.  That is so private!  I have a friend who wears leggings with cute little shirts.  She is adorable.  I would die.  I don't think leggings are inappropriate... I am just not comfortable with my butt showing.  My neighbor had me wear an incredibly low cut (for my standards) hugging dress for my husbands Christmas party.  Lucky loved it.  I wore my trench coat most of the party or was trying to adjust the dress the whole time.

Now that I am a mother I need to represent the woman my son should marry and the woman my daughter should strive to be.  I think in some aspects it is easy.  I am scared of mini skirts and plunging neck lines.  My dresses fit well but don't show off too much.  It is a lot easier now that I don't have as much to show.

So how does being "sexy" fit into my version of personal modesty?  I feel sexy in dark denim shorts and a white tee shirt.  I love the way I feel in some of my long sleeve shirts and a good pair of jeans.  Honestly, I am uncomfortable in the dresses I made.  When the wind blows, I have to pull a Marilyn Monroe if I am not wearing a petty coat (Note 1.  Petty Coats were made for more than filling out a skirt.  Note 2. I need cuter underwear.).  More than all that I feel sexy when I catch my husband checking me out.

I have never been an overly girly girl.  I have very muted colors in my wardrobe and not much frill.  I have embraced my style.  It fits my standards and I feel good in it.  When I feel good, I look good.  Even if my nails are chipped and I just can get the "messy pony tail" to look right (how do you mess up a messy pony tail?), I feel good, over all.

I define my sexiness by who I am.  My eyes are my favorite feature.  Apparently, I have a nice voice for a woman even if it is lower.  I laugh and smile a lot.  Those little lines around my eyes and mouths will grow to be my crowing beauties.  I am happy.  I look good with clothes on.  My style fits ME.  I have a good sense of humor.  I am well read and even through my failed High School years, I scored high enough on my ACT to get into a couple Ivy League Universities- meaning I didn't have to take an entrance exam for the school I am going to (Thank you, GOD!!! I was worried about it).  I am nerdy.  I am unique.  I am sexy because I am who I am.

Last note:  As I am writing this, I am so sun burnt it is purple, my hair was only half blow dried, I have a mix of Cheerios's and apple sauce under my nails and no makeup on.  My husband would still say I was beautiful right now.  Never settle for a person who does not see your beauty even on your not so pretty days.

Vendettas

We all have them.  Maybe with ourselves or maybe with another.  Sometimes it is hard to place where they started.  We are human.  We are flawed.

I don't do well with emotions.  A councilor I saw said that was the most devastating issue I had to deal with.  Emotion.  "Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion.  I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward"  Kurt Vonnegut Jr.  

I cried last night.  I would like to blame it on my last pregnancy changing my hormones and making me some weepy twit... but really, I am human.  I suppose it is O.K. to cry once in a while.  I cried to God and my husband, whoever cared enough to listen, that it wasn't fair.  It's not fair that we are punished for doing the right thing, and the people who blatantly disregard the rules and truth get everything they want.  I lay awake at night tortured by my good actions and they sleep sound in their twisted deeds.

It's not fair.  But it's life.  And I cried.

My husband whispered sweet words while I broke.  He held me and told me that he knew we would deal with all this.  That every pain and penny was worth the days he had with us.  He told me things my heart needed to hear.

God whispered hard truths while I broke.  Pray.  Pray for those that persecute you.  Speak blessings not curses.  He sees the sparrow and he sees me.  Breathe, just breathe.

I don't want to bless him.  I don't want to love him.  I want him to go away.

I prayed for his heart.  I prayed for his mind.  I prayed that whatever vendetta he had would be broken.

Hate is a twisted disease.  It is contagious.  It picks apart your meaty bits to your bony bits.  It will rot you.  I started this journey to beak my vendettas against myself... I guess God had more in mind.  He took this time in my life where there is not much going on for me to learn about myself.  I am learning to like the quiet.  I am learning to breathe.

And I prayed.

I am not who I will be

Hope should always defeat jadedness.  I was working on my "Mommy Mission Statement" (I feel like a ham) and I read one that made me choke.  I felt her emotions when I read it.

"To embrace this season of my life as a blessing, while my children are young and I am still their whole world."
Ouch.
Kids are tough.

Having a brilliant three year old can be exasperating.  He is everything I dreamed of and more.  He defines his name and goes above and beyond.  I can not put into words how much he is to me.  I wish I could just send out the feeling of my heart to him.  I wish he could feel the love and know it is unconditional.  He has been through it all with me.  He is my soul.

Having an active and teething 10 (almost 11) month old can me mentally and physically debilitating.  Her smile can light up the room.  She was my almost lost dream.  She is so incredibly pure and loving.  She (thank God) is not defined by her first name, but her middle name describes everything about her.  Beautiful.  She is my heart and made by the purest love.

I work and am working so hard to make things great for them.  I invest in learning resources and fun things for Owens imagination.  I try to make the home beautiful for them and cook good meals.  All the wile I forget about them.  I get so focused on what I want/need to do for them that I forget about them.

I will not let this make me feel like a failure.  It is a lesson.  Let the laundry wait.  The table can be cleaned later.  And yes, I will tell you the story of the Three Little Pigs for the umpteenth time today.

I love you.  So very much.  You exceed my hopes and dreams more than I knew possible.  You darlings, taught me how beautiful life really is and how real love can be.

Resources

So, I am not blind, I know I don't have any "followers" (however if you want to subscribe so these go to your RSS feed/email, you are more than welcome) but if you guys are watching and interested in my journey and maybe wanting to tweak a few things yourself, here are the Resources I am using:

Frumps To Pumps AND Having a Martha House the Mary Way by Sarah Mae. These are awesome books.  Short sweet and full of character.  She is an amazing author and so motivational yet down to earth.  She inspires me.

21 Days to a More Disciplined Life by Money Saving Mom.  Her website is amazing.  Lucky and I read it daily... Or I read it and we talk about it.  I adore her also.  I will talk more about her later.

Maximize Your Mornings and Mission Statements for Moms are by Inspired to Action.  She also has a prayer calendar for your husband and one also for your kids.  I have printed those out also.

It seems like a lot.  But there are a lot of areas I want to work on.  All of these are written by Christian women so as you are working on time management, the house or being a better mom you are also getting a does of the big Guy.  That is where I am at right now.  If anyone is interested in doing this with me, let me know and we can figure out a place to start!

Perfectly Flawed

I strive for perfection.  The hardest thing I deal with is feeling like a failure.  There is always that voice whispering, "You forgot this." or "You didn't do it right/ enough".  I hate that voice.  It eats at me.  It picks apart  my soul.  I read a book called Core Lies and I do recommend it.


Now don't get me wrong, there are some flaws of mine that I kinda like.  My teeth aren't perfect but I like how they fit my face and they are really nice for not having braces.  I snort when I laugh.  I didn't like it at first but my husband adores it (weird huh) and from seeing his face I have grown to love it.  Sometimes the zipper sized stretch marks upset me, but I earned my stripes.  I have two AMAZING babies.  We are all perfectly flawed in some way or another.  There are some "flaws" that are great for us.  They make us unique and lovable.

I know my weaknesses in life.  I am blessed that they are the opposite of Lucky's.  I think, in life, we should look to surround ourselves with people who's strengths are our weaknesses.  I have done well at that...  But that is where my core lie comes in.  Two of the Ladies I know out here neat freaks.  Their house always is perfect when you come over.  Kids and all.  Not mine.  My house is clean but there will always be a crumpled uniform somewhere in the main living space.  Toys will be out and my craft stuff.  It will never be perfect.

Yesterday was a very hard day.  Owen's Dad called about some stuff, Cammy was teething and let me tell you... she is hard to be around and poor Owen was stuck in the middle.  We only have two weeks till we move in and I want stuff packed.  When we moved out here we only had half the apartment packed when we got the Uhal.  A lot of stuff ended up donated.  I don't want to procrastinate this time.  I got the two closets packed, craft stuff and the medicine cabinet.  It is a good amount between two kids not napping, but I should have gotten more done.  I was overwhelmed by the time Lucky got home and had gone out to the garage.  Let me tell you it was gross.  It looked like a hoarder vomited in there.

Travis came and helped Lucky with the garage as I worked on the shed while makin dinner and trying to keep Cammy from killing someone.  Owen was having fun digging through the "treasures" and being the Hulk.  I wanted to cry.  I was a mess.  Cammy was a mess.  The house was a mess.  I was failing and I just couldn't figure out how to stop.  Then Lucky came over.

"So some of the guys were talking about you in the shop today."

Oh Great.  I like the fact my hubby brags about me but after that old modeling pic going viral and the fact that I know some of these guys... I am worried what he is going to say.

"They all agreed that you are pretty much the perfect wife."

What?!?  Where did that come from!?!  He said something about me being easy to talk to and how I am pretty much one of the guys then he mentioned how they said I was supportive.  Had these goofy fly boys actually noticed how hard I try?  Was I really doing something right?

Sometimes we need a wake-up call.  I will fail.  I will have days like yesterday where I want to run into the mountains and hide/cry.  But there is always someone who sees what you don't see.  There is always someone cheering for you.  I did something right.  I made my husband proud.  We are all perfectly flawed and it is as it should be.

The Power of Spoken Blessings

Life just keeps going.  It is overwhelming and amazing at the same time.

I said 2012 would be a blessed year for our family and it has been.  I don't know where to start.

Owen is just amazing.  Period.  We have our days and more often than not, Lucky and I feel like there is so much more we should be doing, but he is still the best little guy I know.  He is everything and more than I could have ever hoped.

Cammy is getting so big.  She is such a happy and sweet little girl.  Her big brother and Daddy are the most amazing men EVER as far as she is concerned.  She is already taking steps on her own.  She brings me so much joy.

Lucky somehow steals more of my heart each day.  I never new I could love someone other than my own children so much.  He is my world and the love of my life.  It keeps getting better.  I am so very in love.

We have friends

We have love

We have been blessed

And now we are buying a house.

Words have power.  Speak blessings and be blessed by your words.

An update

It has been a while since I have written anything on here.  I keep thinking of great posts... but I get side tracked by the kids or house.

Since Cammy has been born, I have started making all our own cleaning products.  I have to say that I feel great about it.  Because of the way we are raised, the chemical smell of cleaning products smells "clean" to us.  It has been an adjustment to walk out of a bath room after cleaning it and not smelling Comet (I will admit that I love Comet).  However, despite the lack of smell, it feels better.  I know if Owen decides to lick the toilet (please God, no!) after I clean it. he wont have any crazy chemicals floating around to make him sick.  I like being able to touch my and not worry about the bleach or chemicals on my hands.  It is nice to know everything is clean.  Another perk is that I can add any essential oil so my products smell how ever I wish them to.

As I have said before, a glorious friend of mine gave us some awesome cloth diapers for Cammy.  I wanted to use cloth for Owen... but I didn't know where to start.  All the different kinds and information can be overwhelming.  I just took the advice of a smart woman and have not looked back.  We have not had one blow out or one diaper rash!  If you have kids, you know blow outs are a part of life with disposables.  Owen was the king.  The cloth diapers are (in my opinion) more convenient.  The Dollar Tree carried diaper trash bags so really changing and taking them with you is not a problem in public.  I don't have a separate diaper bag for them.  I just roll them up, tie the plastic baggy and am good to go.  Granted, I do a load of laundry for diapers every day, but we make our own laundry detergent for dirt cheap (that works amazing and our clothes smell great!).

After making what seems to be big changes- but were actually very easy- we are looking forward to some new changes in this new year.  I asked Lucky what he thought about switching to "family cloth".

"I have wiped with silk boxers before and it was amazing.  Why not?"

I still have more research to do about it, but I like the idea.  The diapers come out stain free and clean so why wouldn't wipes?  Plus we wouldn't have to worry about the kids using too much ad the toilet getting clogged.  And it will save money.

Another thing we plan on doing is making our own soaps.  I like the idea of knowing what is in our soaps.  Lucky likes the chemistry aspect of it all.  The idea of making pretty and natural soaps is awesome.  Plus, since moving to Nevada and my last pregnancy, my skin has been a mess.   Time to fix this.

We also are looking forward to making our own herb garden for medicinal and cleaning uses.  I have almost finished my aromatherapy course and will be starting my herbalist course soon.  I think "Celtic Pride Apothecary" sounds nice.

Any who (lol) I need to get back to cleaning.  This was a weak post, but I wanted to get something in here.  If you guys have any questions or suggestions- just comment or email me :)